Finally...

I have been putting off writing this piece for a week. I'm not sure why since it is such a mile stone but I needed to let it settle a little. Again, a wonder of the therapeutic process...I fucking hate it.

It's worth it... I still hate it.

I refuse to have it on the front page of my blog. It is ugly and blunt.
The choice is yours to read it.... I had to say it.
I'd prefer to be in your shoes.

Anyway, here's the link. Please beware of potential triggering and take care if that is an issue.

I didn't tell

Once again I had the opportunity to converse with professionals about the incident. I really wish this process wasn't so painful and I could just hurry up and heal already!! My shrink just smiles, shakes her head and off we go down the road to recovery.

I remain overwhelmed with "thrill" during this process (says Miss Sincerity). Anyway, my rapist contacted my via IM and I just wanted to say a few things about that.

Don't worry. I didn't tell.

I didn't tell how you abused me....or worse.
I didn't tell how you lied ...were ready for me.
I never mentioned what really happened to anyone.

You're counting on that...the shame that blankets me.
The humiliation that shields me from the light
The loss of power that silenced my voice.

You're right.

What you don't know is the details are leeching out...slowly.
I can't stop it now...I WON'T stop it.

I will tell how you cultured my trust...and betrayed it.
I will tell that you were ready and skilled at hiding
The degrading fantasy...I participated in
Without consent.

I did not consent to being sodomized with____
And there's the rub.

I still can't say it.
But I am getting closer.

I will tell on you...and me.
You're safe for now, Sam.

Oh yeah, by the way...

My friend, just some stuff I forgot to mention when we talked but wanted you to know:

1. I'm sorry this happened too and I know it wasn't my fault - still feels that way though.
2. That voice is getting softer each day.
3. I really am working on it as fast as I can.
4. Why didn't I just think of letting go since I am having such a good time now ? (That one may be a bit harsh. ..yeah well rape ain't for the faint of heart).
5. I don't always know what I need or how to ask.
6. Kids still don't know so please be careful around them.
7. I am wounded but not fragile.
8. I am still ME.
9. I do talk about other things and am interested in you (well, as much as I always was and yes, I see the smirking)
10. I'll let you know if I need an alibi.
11. It is getting better.

I wanted to say the last one again - it is getting better. I realized that all these posts are pretty angsty which is completely appropriate and fucking understandable. I only write when I'm trying to sort out the intense stuff. Funny, I don't find intense happy stuff as confusing.

I'm hacking away as I make my way through this jungle. The words seem to be the debris from that journey. The path is getting clearer and clearer everyday.

Thanks everyone for backing me up.

One last thing - fuck him.

The word

Okay, once again I came away from the professional with some new insight. Yeah, I'm thrilled as well.

The deal is I am going to have to say "the" word that explicitly states what he raped me with if I want to continue moving forward. This is according to me, not her. Yep, I'm overwhelmed with "thrill".

I hate therapy. Here goes...


The word that paints a clear picture that can't be denied..
or the horror.

Yeah, just one word.

You know the word...and what you did
to me.

You know the word that states how you violated me.
Just one word.

The word I can't give voice to.

The word that causes shame to flood my soul
and fill my heart.

The word that surrounds me with darkness that was caused...
by you.

Just one word.

One word uglier than rape or sexual assault...
or sodomy.

Just one word.

You stole my voice that night
I want it back.

I have it back except
for one word.

One powerful word.

One day I'll say it...
and tell what you did

Just not today.
Soon, very soon.

A name for "it"

What do I call "it" ?

Georgia says "aggravated sexual assault" while South Carolina and Kansas say "aggravated sodomy." I don't like any of those names.

The counselor calls it rape.
I don't like that name either.

It was a "get together" or "hanging out" or "kinda a date" - at least that's what I called it...before.

It was planned and anticipated...mmmm, I called it that as well.
Premeditated.

What did you call it ?
An opportunity ? Yes, that is what it was for you...an opportunity.

An opportunity to actually capture that fantasy...the one where you
Are powerful and completely in control.....

The fantasy where you humiliate, violate and debase another person...
Me.

I'm sure you don't call it sexual assault or aggravated sodomy....or rape.
It was.

You have better choices for names than I do.
Your choices sound better....happier...gentler...nicer than mine.

So, what do I call "it"...the incident...the event...the episode ?
I can also choose from terror...loss...nightmare.

I do know what to call you.
My rapist.

That's enough for now.

edited 11/18/08. Someone else suggested these additional words to call "it" - invasion, intrusion, desecration, dishonor, disrespect, trespassing, blasphemy. I thank her for giving me more choices.

One month

Today is one month

One month since my life was changed forever
One month since you betrayed my trust

One month since I was violated
by you

One month since my world shattered...almost
One month since I started lying to my family, my friends...
myself

One month is such a short time to start picking up the pieces
One month of going through the motions of putting my life back together

One month of curling up in the darkness...and finding my way to the light...
again and again and again

One month of explaining to my friends that I don't know how I feel
or how they can help

One month of not sleeping, not eating and not caring...almost

One month of writing, crying, cringing, raging, hiding....
laughing

One month of identifying what you took that night
and beginning to reclaim what was lost

One month of trying to be a mother, friend, daughter and...
rape victim

One month of struggling to be all those things and not knowing how
One month of living with confusion, fear and pain

One month since you raped me
Only one month

I'm better now

"The" usual questions...oh goody.

I saw the rape crisis counselor today and realized some things:

1. I am going to have to actually tell what happened to continue moving forward. I don't know of any other way to take away the power of what he did.
2. Everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault, yada yada.
3. Okay, if that's true than why haven't I told someone close to me what happened ?
4. What is it I am really afraid of when I tell someone that I care about ?
5. Fuck, maybe they will think part of it was my fault.
6. That is so not going to happen - I have amazing friends and family.
7. Still feels like a big risk.
8. Maybe I was complicit on some level.
9. How will I know ?
10. I wasn't.
11. He is such an asshole.
12. This is what I'm going to do - I'm going to post what he did using some freakin' date from way back when. I can't have it be on page 1 of my blog. You can choose to follow the link or not. Here ya' go - added 12/16/08 - 64 days after..
13. Cool, that way the I am not exposing someone to this contaminant unintentionally.
14. Yeah, not sure when that link is going up....
15. That is in my power to decide. What he did wasn't.
16. Today is Day 28.
17. Today is better than yesterday.
18. Fuck him.

Life goes on...

Here's the deal - life has to go on. I know that and am working hard at continuing to move forward. I've had a great weekend - very busy. Mmmm, wonder if the whole "busy" thing was a wonderful distraction which made for a great weekend. Nice to see those boring psych classes I took in college actually paying off.

Really, it is nice that I kept "it" in the background for awhile and didn't let it contaminate everything. Seems like the sounds/images seep into my head as the night goes on.

That sucks.

Luckily I have chocolate and diet coke. Oh yeah, 1000 channels with nothing on also helps - at least I have a variety of shit to bore me. Wow - forgot about TiVo.

Still sucks but not as much...silver-fucking-lining moment.

I was still raped 27 days ago.

He is such an asshole - maybe I'll tell him one day.

Just not today.

Going through the motions

It is just so freakin' icky to think of the word. I still want to find a loophole, ya' know ?

Every time I think about what happens a shiver goes down my spine.

I've managed to go to work, do the Mom things, etc this week as it isn't invading my brain all the time now. I feel like a Stepford person at times - lol.

Going through the motions is better than curling up in the dark.

I want to reclaim ALL my life - he took enough.

I woke up tired today - that weary tired that permeates your bones and soul.

I feel a little foggy - the damn images keep getting up in my face instead of staying in my periphery. That is our agreement - I won't ignore them and they stay there when I need to function. One of us is breaking the rule.

The tears are barely under the surface. I must keep them contained when I'm out in the real world. (Note to self - pick up some M & Ms plus Bonnie Raitt for a cryfest later).

I really hate the process of healing. Only choice I have.

That sucks.

I feel so stupid

I feel so stupid for being in the situation where the "incident" happened. It was date rape although not exactly a "date" date. Only 2 people know exactly (as honest as I could be) how this happened and the circumstances.

I remember the words he used and my brain wouldn't connect what he was alluding to with an actual act. The state I live in calls this aggravated sexual assault.

Where do I say the gory details ? Who do I ask to be my witness ?

I am so afraid I will be judged and am extremely embarrassed about the whole thing. I'm going to have to give voice (mine) to what happened - I can feel it coming to the surface.

I am terrified of that voice.

I just feel so stupid.

I HATE IT AND WHAT HE DID !!!

I am angry with myself for allowing him to rob me of my voice. Jeez, I am sooo ready to be done with this process.

What he did was degrading and obscene.

I just feel bad when I think about it. At least I am functioning in the world and look together.

Today is better than last week. It isn't better than yesterday....go figure.

A family member knows...

Today is Day 22. I told my brother last night about the "incident" in very general terms. I felt like I was lying by omission everytime I told him I was "fine" when he called. He's the only family member that I can tell right now.

He was supportive and very respectful of my boundaries. He also didn't get into the "protective" mode right away and try to solve this problem. There just isn't any solution right now except to continue "feeling" it. That really sucks, btw.

Yeah, today is Day 22. I felt better on Day 19....go figure.

Day 21

Guess the title says it all. It is odd that I feel worse today than I did on Friday. I don't understand how that happens. Supposedly it is part of the "Acute Trauma" phase. I don't want to be part of "Acute Trauma" anymore.

The loophole - I am still searching for that Holy Grail. I saw the counselor today and she said that I was "sodomized anally with an object without my consent." I remember being amazed at her ability to say those words in such a calm manner.

I am in my fog again. People are outside my office and I don't want to be part of it. I don't want to be part of my "Acute Trauma" response. I don't want to be a victim of

RAPE

There, I said it and don't feel any different.

Should I ?

Someone explain Part 2

Here's part 2. Today was a better day.

Someone explain how I keep moving forward.
Someone explain why.
Someone explain why I can't quiet that voice...ya' know the one that says give up, it's too hard to go through the process.
Please, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain why I am always surprised when it hits me.
Someone explain when it won't rob my of my breath.
Someone explain why...just why.
Someone please explain that to me.

Someone explain why I want to crawl into a hole and sleep.
Someone explain how to stay out of the darkness.
Someone explain why I should.
Someone explain why today is harder than yesterday. It's day 18.
Yeah, someone explain why I'm even counting the days.
Someone explain why it matters.
It doesn't.

Day 12

Okay - I"m still not sure what is happening. I am going to use the ol' number approach since that helps me sort things.

1. I told my friend Michelle about it. I actually used the "word" that accurately described EXACTLY what he did. Funny, rape wasn't as hard to say. Her response was "knowing you like I do, I know that was not on the menu." For some reason I found that hysterical.
2. She was right. It wasn't on the menu.
3. He pre-meditated this - completely.
4. I went to the meeting and then to work a few hours today.
5. I was driving home and suddenly couldn't breathe.
6. I am not having fun.
7. I am tired...just tired.
8. I feel better physically which is the sfl (silver-fucking-lining) moment.
9. I still don't care.
10. I definitely want to drink - a lot. Yeah well....
11. I alternate between feeling dead inside and lost. Toss up which is preferable
12. I still look in control on the outside
13. It feels like I am lying to people. My Mother called and I pretended all was well.
14. I don't want to deal with my family's reaction
15. I hate lying - this isn't even close to the gray area.
16. I don't know if I will ever be able to say the real word.
17. I have never experienced degradation like that in my life.
18. People say it will get better - I'm not sure if I want to wait.
19. God sucks.
20. I'm avoiding my brother - I can't lie to him. We have always been honest with each other
21. I'm a fraud.
22. How do I say the word to someone I am actually looking at ?
23. Better question is how to say the word to someone that is looking at me. That's the real problem.
24. I can't see myself doing that - no scenario lets me do that.
25. I'll end up dead if I don't.
26. So what....
27. This is terrifying.
28. Yeah, I'm thinking the despair is present a bit.
29. I can't do this but I am.
30. I'm in a conundrum !!
31. What do I do now ?

Day 9

So, it was rape according to the counselor today. Seems to me that if counselors at 2 crisis center said it was sexual assault then it was although South Carolina called it sexual assault and Georgia called it rape. Yeah, that loophole isn't working for me either.

I want to drink or rather just have a moment of peace from this. I don't see any way to achieve that right now. I don't think I can meet God's expectations right now - can't see how I will deal with this. Been a long time since I felt like this.

Guess God thought I needed a new experience :) It really isn't funny but then again, inappropriate humor never hurt anyone.

People keep asking me how they can help. How can they ? I don't know. It seems like things are moving in slow motion right now...very odd. I don't feel crazy, just like I am moving/thinking in very slow motion. I wonder if I will completely slow down and just shut down. That would be nice.

It would be exceedingly dangerous but nice. I'm not going to start up again if I get to that shut down place - peace is there.

How attractive is that I ask you ?!!

This I do know :

1. I was a raped ergo I am a rape victim.
2. When does that change to rape survivor ?
3. It wasn't my fault. Doesn't change anything.
4. CONSENT is the magic ingredient that determines which category this falls into.
5. I have no idea what to do now.
6. The place I am in is very quiet and I can't see/hear anyone else.
7. My head keeps moving and replaying it since there is no distraction.
8. I'm not very good company for me right now.
9. I am tired.
10. I still can't eat. Rape is an effective diet tool (come on - I am smiling a bit at that).
11. Nothing seems real to me.
12. This is the truth.
13. Now you know
14. I really don't care right now. Thinking things through like a drink/drug/etc is useless. I JUST DON'T CARE.
15. Apparently that is not the right answer - guess I need to work on the 3rd step or maybe the 11th.
16. Yessirree Bob, I'm just not working my program well enough...just ask someone in AA.
17. It doesn't matter.
18. I know I matter - I just don't feel it.
19. I quit drinking way too soon.
20. This isn't a drinking problem. It's a feeling problem.
21. I am desperate to NOT feel right now. I just need a break to catch my breath.
22. Is that too much to ask ? See, a perfect illustration of the whole "can't meet God's expectations" thing.
23. My family can't know - I am the responsible parent.
24. I am tired.
25. I haven't been a victim as an adult before. I am now.
26. I don't know what to do to stop the descent into nothingness.
27. I'm not sure I want to.
28. Jesus, I really sound depressed.
29. Will I be okay ? Can I be okay ?

Been a long time since I have asked myself that question.

I'm not sure I want to be okay.

Someone explain...

Warning - this is unsettling and can be a triggering event for some folks. The magic words are sexual assault and non-consent. Please take care of yourself if you read it. A good resource is http://www.rainn.org/ or look in your local phone book under crisis centers.

Okay, here goes....

It happened October 13... I still don't understand how.

Someone explain how a professional woman in her 40s becomes the victim of date rape.
Someone explain how a single mother of 2 gets raped by someone on the third date.
Someone explain to how this happens in a small town after, I repeat, AFTER the man was vetted.
Someone explain how there were NO alarm bells.
Someone explain how I use "the" word that describes exactly how he raped me.
Please, someone explain this to me.

Someone explain how he pre-meditated this.
Someone explain how I trusted him...I understand why.
Someone explain why I had a glass of water in his kitchen when it was done.
Someone explain how I was able to talk about inconsequential things 10 minutes later.
Please, someone explain this to me.

Someone explain how he had the audacity to say he wasn't done with me yet.
Someone explain how I was calm, got dressed and pretended that everything was okay.
Someone explain why he accepted my excuse that I was sick and needed to go.
Someone explain why the clues he gave didn't "click" in my head.
Please, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain how I get the sound out of my head...the sound a ketchup bottle makes when you empty it.
Someone explain how I speak the word...the one that says it all.
Someone explain how I didn't realize what was happening until it was all over.
Yeah, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain how to say the word.
Someone explain how a human being can degrade someone else like that.
Someone explain how that can possibly be a turn-on.
Please, I need someone to explain that to me.

Someone explain what I do now.
Someone explain how I move forward.
Someone explain why I feel so fractured.
Someone explain how I tell my family...my children.
Someone explain how I hide it from them.
Someone explain how to decide which one to choose.

Someone explain how I was so stupid for being in that situation.
Someone explain how I quiet that voice.
Someone explain how I allowed this to happen.I didn't.
Someone explain how that is any better. At least if I had let him do it then I would have had some control.
Someone explain that to me.

Someone explain why he did that.
Someone explain how it happened so fast.
Someone explain how I didn't feel it at first.
Someone explain how I give voice to it.
Please, I am begging for someone to explain.

Someone explain how I decide if it really "qualifies" as rape.
Someone explain why I need to do that.
Someone explain how I say the word enema.
There, I said it.

Someone please explain what to do now.
I don't have a clue.