Finally...

I have been putting off writing this piece for a week. I'm not sure why since it is such a mile stone but I needed to let it settle a little. Again, a wonder of the therapeutic process...I fucking hate it.

It's worth it... I still hate it.

I refuse to have it on the front page of my blog. It is ugly and blunt.
The choice is yours to read it.... I had to say it.
I'd prefer to be in your shoes.

Anyway, here's the link. Please beware of potential triggering and take care if that is an issue.

I didn't tell

Once again I had the opportunity to converse with professionals about the incident. I really wish this process wasn't so painful and I could just hurry up and heal already!! My shrink just smiles, shakes her head and off we go down the road to recovery.

I remain overwhelmed with "thrill" during this process (says Miss Sincerity). Anyway, my rapist contacted my via IM and I just wanted to say a few things about that.

Don't worry. I didn't tell.

I didn't tell how you abused me....or worse.
I didn't tell how you lied ...were ready for me.
I never mentioned what really happened to anyone.

You're counting on that...the shame that blankets me.
The humiliation that shields me from the light
The loss of power that silenced my voice.

You're right.

What you don't know is the details are leeching out...slowly.
I can't stop it now...I WON'T stop it.

I will tell how you cultured my trust...and betrayed it.
I will tell that you were ready and skilled at hiding
The degrading fantasy...I participated in
Without consent.

I did not consent to being sodomized with____
And there's the rub.

I still can't say it.
But I am getting closer.

I will tell on you...and me.
You're safe for now, Sam.