What do I call "it" ?
Georgia says "aggravated sexual assault" while South Carolina and Kansas say "aggravated sodomy." I don't like any of those names.
The counselor calls it rape.
I don't like that name either.
It was a "get together" or "hanging out" or "kinda a date" - at least that's what I called it...before.
It was planned and anticipated...mmmm, I called it that as well.
Premeditated.
What did you call it ?
An opportunity ? Yes, that is what it was for you...an opportunity.
An opportunity to actually capture that fantasy...the one where you
Are powerful and completely in control.....
The fantasy where you humiliate, violate and debase another person...
Me.
I'm sure you don't call it sexual assault or aggravated sodomy....or rape.
It was.
You have better choices for names than I do.
Your choices sound better....happier...gentler...nicer than mine.
So, what do I call "it"...the incident...the event...the episode ?
I can also choose from terror...loss...nightmare.
I do know what to call you.
My rapist.
That's enough for now.
edited 11/18/08. Someone else suggested these additional words to call "it" - invasion, intrusion, desecration, dishonor, disrespect, trespassing, blasphemy. I thank her for giving me more choices.
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24 comments:
No matter what you or anyone else calls it or him he IS a low rent, worthless, not shit riding nor walking, piece of shit motherfucker not worthy to take another breath.
Don't let him win.
Keep finding the light. Let it wash over you and let the ugliness he tried to perpetrate take nothing else from you. It's in you now to only let him take what you want to give him. Hopefully your disdain, contempt and anger for a time. Let him not take your mind or soul. The light, keep seeking it. Keep writing. Keep talking. You are part of the light he isn't.
Ann LaMott talks about not knowing a way out sometimes and having stopped praying for a way out and instead praying for a little point of light to step into, to rest in-- for once in it, another point of light will surely follow for her to step into until she gets to the other side.
I know you will meet yourself on the other side. That fact is already present in your words.
xo~Hope
i left a comment today for you on your Nov. 5th blog....
i know your pain...
look for comment in your
Why i'm here tag...
not Nov. 5th blog...
sage has my email if you want to hash the shit over..i really do know your pain
I don't know what you went through so I can't give any really wise advice. I do know it wasn't your fault. I do know that the bottom-feeder that did this to you should be locked up and not let out. I do know that seeing a professional and writing, writing, writing will definitely help you get past this. I do know I'll listen and help if I can.
I can't say I know this pain, I have been lucky in my stupidity with men.
A month is a short time, you are allowed to still feel like you're drowning, it is valid to not be able to get up from it yet. This blog is a great idea because the support you can get, and most importantly talking about it, is the greatest healing thing I think you can do.
Everything Sage said... I was molested by the deen of students at my school, the same school MY kids go to now. He is not there, thankfully, but the pain still is and it has been many many years. You can't expect that this pain will just go away, it doesn't. KEEP TALKING KEEP WRITING and soon the pain will diminish, not completely, but it will dwindle
Keep singing Sister!... i'm so sorry this worthless excuse for a Man did this to you...
*tight hugs*...
~c
Wow - thanks everyone for this out pouring of support.
I am not alone - how cool is that!!
I am grateful for so many witnesses.
dg
The world is a big place, and I like to think there are more good people than assholes in it...
This is the kind of situation where you find comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone, and yet, that doesn't make you feel better because you realize that others have felt they way you do now. While I was pregnant with my son, my ex would beat me, and when he was through with me, he'd make me have sex with him or suffer through more abuse. It took me three years to admit that what he did to me for over a year was rape. I can tell you that there will be dark times. There will be good times. It's not something you forget, but you will become stronger and realize that you did nothing wrong. You are not a victim. You are a human being with self-worth and what was done to you was done by a man who is nothing. If you ever need somebody to talk to, you can email me.
Baby doll...I feel for you. I was sexually abused by my grandfather from the time I was 9 until I was 17...and he died. You will never forget it and it will always leave an empty hole in your heart. The fact that mine was perpetrated by a beloved family member was hard enough...but I didnt tell anyone because I didn't want to hurt my dad ( it was HIS dad that did it.) My grandfather died 27 years ago...and my dad is 81...and I still have never told him. Hang in there doll and reach out for all the support you can muster. Definitely count me in!
Barbie
sage took the words right out of my mouth.. well fingers.
*hugs* you can and will get thru this.
i don't know how any of our words will help or comfort you, but we wish you the best.
i pray that your strength, not the tragedy, will shine through.
=)
rape is rape, there is no gray area.
"Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace."
I UNDERSTAND your pain,anger and rage, because I have been where you are. I won't go into details, but just know that you are NOT alone.
I must commend you for your bravery in addressing this issue.
Be prepared for many different emotions, and watch out for "triggers". Sometimes a sight, sound, smell..etc, will sneak up and catch you, some call them panic attacks, some say post tramatic stress syndrome.
If you ever need anyone to talk or vent to, I'm here.
I know that you know this, but it merits saying again....
IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE THIS.
Take care of you.
Keep your head up and stay strong!
There's a lot of us out here in the blogosphere thinking good thoughts for you :-)
I just found your blog off of Sage's place but I know I'll be back. I've never been in your position and I'm sorry you ever had to deal with something like this. I'm sorry that any person ever has to deal with anything like this. Rapists and sex offenders anger and disgust me. I hope you get what you want and what you need out of blogging about your incident with. Stay strong. :)
Thanks everyone for this out pouring of support.
Jennybean - I agree that there are more good people than assholes. The responses here are a good example !!
Laken, Crimson and spankingbarbie- thanks. It is comforting to know some other folks understand without me explaining shit, ya' know ? Wish you guys didn't "get it" though.
Jobthingy and Jane - the words have helped a lot. No doubt about it - I am definitely not alone:)
Hubman - thanks for the encouragement. I'm definitely working at keeping my head up. Hate for that asshole to win.
Amorous Rocker - thanks and yeah, I'm definitely working at staying strong. It is a lot easier with so many folks backing me up!!
Sage is the man :)
dg
this man is a low creature. he had absolutely no right to do this to you and perhaps when the time is right you will tell him to his face exactly what he did to you and how it changed your life. anger is also part of the process, but don't let it win.
I agree Princess - nice to see anger replacing that damn depression !!!
dg
Whatever 'noun' you call it, the word that comes to my mind and what it boils down to is WRONG.
Still here, girl.... and only an email away whenever ya need me, k?
*hugs*
Hey, baby. Keep writing. And writing and writing. It will cleanse you. I promise. And you will find that there are many beautiful people out here who are listening and you can turn to.
Never stop opening your heart. It may hurt from time to time, but if you don't open it up, it dies. You are too good to let that happen.
Much love and good vibes are coming your way, Cheers, Sugar!
SV
Lb and SV - thanks for your support. My bad for late response.
I have been overwhelmed with the number of beautiful people that have opened their hearts and sent good vibes my way!! I am definitely continuing down the recovery road.
dg
You are getting stronger every day that you deal with it and you have friends who care about you. You have him labeled properly.
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