Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The day passed

It passed...that day I was dreading. Funny, I expected to be a little out of sorts for a few days - never occurred to me it would be for an entire week. The day before "it" was worse on some levels. I was just so tired that entire very tired.

Seems to me that once "it" passed things should have gotten better.Alas, I was incredibly mistaken...not in the ballpark...way the fuck off base on that one.

This is the thing - rape sucked at the time and continues to suck.

I put off writing about last week for a bit. I did see the professional and yes, I still enjoy therapy as much now as I did right after the event. My girlfriend/partner went with me cuz I asked and was having a hard time explaining what was going on. She is sooo much better at the whole "this is what I'm feeling so I'll articulate it" thing than I am...I still love her tho.

I did tell the teenage dudes what happened in general detail. They were both cool, didn't ask questions and I let them know I was okay, the week was a little rough and I was getting the support I needed. Overall, I was proud of them and me for taking that step. Supposedly that is part of "normalizing" the rape whatever the hell that means. I do know I will not allow it to be a taboo topic in my own home so it was time to tell them.

Fuck, giving voice is hard but silence is crippling. I lost enough already.

Seems that I am within normal limits in my experiences. It also seems that I can look forward to many more anniversaries similar to this one. I was overcome with thrill at that little revelation.

Here's what I figured out :

  • Rape sucks then, now and forever
  • It still wasn't my fault
  • This is sooo not fair
  • I did survive
  • He's a dickhead
  • Living with it is the goal
  • He's still a dickhead
  • I won
  • It will never completely go away
  • That sucks