Thursday, December 4, 2008

I didn't tell

Once again I had the opportunity to converse with professionals about the incident. I really wish this process wasn't so painful and I could just hurry up and heal already!! My shrink just smiles, shakes her head and off we go down the road to recovery.

I remain overwhelmed with "thrill" during this process (says Miss Sincerity). Anyway, my rapist contacted my via IM and I just wanted to say a few things about that.

Don't worry. I didn't tell.

I didn't tell how you abused me....or worse.
I didn't tell how you lied ...were ready for me.
I never mentioned what really happened to anyone.

You're counting on that...the shame that blankets me.
The humiliation that shields me from the light
The loss of power that silenced my voice.

You're right.

What you don't know is the details are leeching out...slowly.
I can't stop it now...I WON'T stop it.

I will tell how you cultured my trust...and betrayed it.
I will tell that you were ready and skilled at hiding
The degrading fantasy...I participated in
Without consent.

I did not consent to being sodomized with____
And there's the rub.

I still can't say it.
But I am getting closer.

I will tell on you...and me.
You're safe for now, Sam.


13 comments:

spankingbarbie said...

Safe for now is key. Don't let this memory get trapped forever in your mind. You are easing your way through....not there yet....and that is just fine. Don't rush it...just let it seep its way out....until you can flush it out of your system and tell the experience to fuck off. You are doing a great job. *big hugs*

~Jobthingy~ said...

*huge hugs*

Another Ordinary Girl said...

You seem to be doing a great job with pulling through this! You just have to take your time and do things at your speed. Don't let anyonre rush you.

{{{HUGS}}}

Jennybean said...

you own this, do it the way you need to...

((hugs))

Jennybean said...

you own this, do it the way you need to...

((hugs))

Jennybean said...

you own this, do it the way you need to...

((hugs))

dangergirl said...

Thanks everyone for your support. I am working through it - I just wish I was done NOW, ya' know ?!

I cannot tell y'all how much I appreciate your support, comments and hugs.

dg

PS Goddamn, he is an asshole.

Southern Sage said...

Muah.

the princess said...

I am thinking of you. so sorry this is happening and that it's so much to express. You will get better when you can talk about it. You will.

(((HUGS)))

Lil Bit said...

Yes, tell... but only in your time, girl.

*big hugs*

Anonymous said...

From someone who has been lucky so far *touch wood* but who has also known many women traumatized by assault, I can tell you you are making remarkable progress. You're impatient with yourself and the process because that's the way it goes...and that's the way you are *g* -- pretty decisive.

But try to be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a friend....because you deserve a friend like that. And know that you have friends that are sending virtual hugs your way.

Alyx

P.S. I'm glad the bastard is being exposed. You don't owe him anything...not one damn thing.

Lil Brat said...

It takes time to get through this kind of thing but you seem to be doing well. Remember you have friends you can talk to.

dangergirl said...

Alyx - damn girl, I could feel your desire to bitch slap him through the screen !! Impatient with the process - definitely and aint a damn thing I can do to speed it up.

Thank you for being a witness and friend. I got all the virtual hugs and good vibes from your neck of the woods. *bg*

Lb- yeah, I do have friends I can talk to and that has made all the difference in the world. Thanks for being one of them.

dg