Okay - I"m still not sure what is happening. I am going to use the ol' number approach since that helps me sort things.
- I told my friend Michelle about it. I actually used the "word" that accurately described EXACTLY what he did. Funny, rape wasn't as hard to say. Her response was "knowing you like I do, I know that was not on the menu." For some reason I found that hysterical.
- She was right. It wasn't on the menu.
- He pre-meditated this - completely.
- I went to the meeting and then to work a few hours today.
- I was driving home and suddenly couldn't breathe.
- I am not having fun.
- I am tired...just tired.
- I feel better physically which is the sfl (silver-fucking-lining) moment.
- I still don't care.
- I definitely want to drink - a lot. Yeah well....
- I alternate between feeling dead inside and lost. Toss up which is preferable
- I still look in control on the outside
- It feels like I am lying to people. My Mother called and I pretended all was well.
- I don't want to deal with my family's reaction
- I hate lying - this isn't even close to the gray area.
- I don't know if I will ever be able to say the real word.
- I have never experienced degradation like that in my life.
- People say it will get better - I'm not sure if I want to wait.
- God sucks.
- I'm avoiding my brother - I can't lie to him. We have always been honest with each other
- I'm a fraud.
- How do I say the word to someone I am actually looking at ?
- Better question is how to say the word to someone that is looking at me. That's the real problem.
- I can't see myself doing that - no scenario lets me do that.
- I'll end up dead if I don't.
- So what....
- This is terrifying.
- Yeah, I'm thinking the despair is present a bit.
- I can't do this but I am.
- I'm in a conundrum !!
- What do I do now ?
6 comments:
32. When explanations don't come easily for the coaster of emotions, just ride them.
Thanks lb. Seems like that is the only choice I have - LOL
Today is better than yesterday and last week. I am taking back some of my power.
God, he is such an asshole !!
dg
Sometimes you just have to let others help carry your burden when it's too much for you to carry alone...
I'm already feeling like folks are helping carry this burden. Thank you for being one of them.
you are reaching out right here and perhaps this will serve as some therapy...god knows we all need it from time to time.
i have also been a victim of sexual assult/rape although i was in my teens.
because you are also a mama, you understand the need to be strong and keep on doing your daily duties. it's almost robotic sometimes but will eventually you will smile more and you will live more and draw more strength from loved ones.
You are right princess. It is almost robotic at times but that is happening less and less. The kids are good which is the most important thing. That asshole didn't take anything from them!!!
The smile is coming back.
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