Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The strangest thing...

I saw a professional yesterday and realized some things. I've done a lot of work on this, yada yada and am actually in a pretty good place. Somehow I haven't experienced this raging anger which I expected. The stages of grief are pretty basic -

1. denial (did that one pretty well if I do say so myself)
2. anger
3. bargaining (that long-ass search for my Holy Grail)
4. depression (yep, hit that one more than once)
5. acceptance (a moment of grace that allowed me to feel calm after I said the word)

I've been reviewing my approach to these stages and have pretty much hit all except anger. There has been some anger certainly (the whole "fuck him" ending on a few posts) but I did expect this raging phenomenon...this obvious time when I was really, really, really pissed. It hasn't happened.

I was initially a little concerned cuz I sure as hell do NOT want to get blindsided by this thing again. I don't want some triggering event to happen and I'm smacked upside my head with a flood of intense emotions. Definitely don't want that.

The professional and I discussed this a bit and she suggested that the anger may have been simmering all along. I'm thinking the anger was the driving force behind my determination to work through this thing. I refused to let him cripple me.

Anger= determination...who the fuck knows.

What I do know is this has put things into perspective for me. I was anally sodomized with an *****. I still refuse to put it on the front page of my blog.

Stuff that I found embarrassing to talk about before October 13, 2008 , not so much now....go figure.