Day 9

So, it was rape according to the counselor today. Seems to me that if counselors at 2 crisis center said it was sexual assault then it was although South Carolina called it sexual assault and Georgia called it rape. Yeah, that loophole isn't working for me either.

I want to drink or rather just have a moment of peace from this. I don't see any way to achieve that right now. I don't think I can meet God's expectations right now - can't see how I will deal with this. Been a long time since I felt like this.

Guess God thought I needed a new experience :) It really isn't funny but then again, inappropriate humor never hurt anyone.

People keep asking me how they can help. How can they ? I don't know. It seems like things are moving in slow motion right now...very odd. I don't feel crazy, just like I am moving/thinking in very slow motion. I wonder if I will completely slow down and just shut down. That would be nice.

It would be exceedingly dangerous but nice. I'm not going to start up again if I get to that shut down place - peace is there.

How attractive is that I ask you ?!!

This I do know :

1. I was a raped ergo I am a rape victim.
2. When does that change to rape survivor ?
3. It wasn't my fault. Doesn't change anything.
4. CONSENT is the magic ingredient that determines which category this falls into.
5. I have no idea what to do now.
6. The place I am in is very quiet and I can't see/hear anyone else.
7. My head keeps moving and replaying it since there is no distraction.
8. I'm not very good company for me right now.
9. I am tired.
10. I still can't eat. Rape is an effective diet tool (come on - I am smiling a bit at that).
11. Nothing seems real to me.
12. This is the truth.
13. Now you know
14. I really don't care right now. Thinking things through like a drink/drug/etc is useless. I JUST DON'T CARE.
15. Apparently that is not the right answer - guess I need to work on the 3rd step or maybe the 11th.
16. Yessirree Bob, I'm just not working my program well enough...just ask someone in AA.
17. It doesn't matter.
18. I know I matter - I just don't feel it.
19. I quit drinking way too soon.
20. This isn't a drinking problem. It's a feeling problem.
21. I am desperate to NOT feel right now. I just need a break to catch my breath.
22. Is that too much to ask ? See, a perfect illustration of the whole "can't meet God's expectations" thing.
23. My family can't know - I am the responsible parent.
24. I am tired.
25. I haven't been a victim as an adult before. I am now.
26. I don't know what to do to stop the descent into nothingness.
27. I'm not sure I want to.
28. Jesus, I really sound depressed.
29. Will I be okay ? Can I be okay ?

Been a long time since I have asked myself that question.

I'm not sure I want to be okay.