Day 12

Okay - I"m still not sure what is happening. I am going to use the ol' number approach since that helps me sort things.

1. I told my friend Michelle about it. I actually used the "word" that accurately described EXACTLY what he did. Funny, rape wasn't as hard to say. Her response was "knowing you like I do, I know that was not on the menu." For some reason I found that hysterical.
2. She was right. It wasn't on the menu.
3. He pre-meditated this - completely.
4. I went to the meeting and then to work a few hours today.
5. I was driving home and suddenly couldn't breathe.
6. I am not having fun.
7. I am tired...just tired.
8. I feel better physically which is the sfl (silver-fucking-lining) moment.
9. I still don't care.
10. I definitely want to drink - a lot. Yeah well....
11. I alternate between feeling dead inside and lost. Toss up which is preferable
12. I still look in control on the outside
13. It feels like I am lying to people. My Mother called and I pretended all was well.
14. I don't want to deal with my family's reaction
15. I hate lying - this isn't even close to the gray area.
16. I don't know if I will ever be able to say the real word.
17. I have never experienced degradation like that in my life.
18. People say it will get better - I'm not sure if I want to wait.
19. God sucks.
20. I'm avoiding my brother - I can't lie to him. We have always been honest with each other
21. I'm a fraud.
22. How do I say the word to someone I am actually looking at ?
23. Better question is how to say the word to someone that is looking at me. That's the real problem.
24. I can't see myself doing that - no scenario lets me do that.
25. I'll end up dead if I don't.
26. So what....
27. This is terrifying.
28. Yeah, I'm thinking the despair is present a bit.
29. I can't do this but I am.
30. I'm in a conundrum !!
31. What do I do now ?

Day 9

So, it was rape according to the counselor today. Seems to me that if counselors at 2 crisis center said it was sexual assault then it was although South Carolina called it sexual assault and Georgia called it rape. Yeah, that loophole isn't working for me either.

I want to drink or rather just have a moment of peace from this. I don't see any way to achieve that right now. I don't think I can meet God's expectations right now - can't see how I will deal with this. Been a long time since I felt like this.

Guess God thought I needed a new experience :) It really isn't funny but then again, inappropriate humor never hurt anyone.

People keep asking me how they can help. How can they ? I don't know. It seems like things are moving in slow motion right now...very odd. I don't feel crazy, just like I am moving/thinking in very slow motion. I wonder if I will completely slow down and just shut down. That would be nice.

It would be exceedingly dangerous but nice. I'm not going to start up again if I get to that shut down place - peace is there.

How attractive is that I ask you ?!!

This I do know :

1. I was a raped ergo I am a rape victim.
2. When does that change to rape survivor ?
3. It wasn't my fault. Doesn't change anything.
4. CONSENT is the magic ingredient that determines which category this falls into.
5. I have no idea what to do now.
6. The place I am in is very quiet and I can't see/hear anyone else.
7. My head keeps moving and replaying it since there is no distraction.
8. I'm not very good company for me right now.
9. I am tired.
10. I still can't eat. Rape is an effective diet tool (come on - I am smiling a bit at that).
11. Nothing seems real to me.
12. This is the truth.
13. Now you know
14. I really don't care right now. Thinking things through like a drink/drug/etc is useless. I JUST DON'T CARE.
15. Apparently that is not the right answer - guess I need to work on the 3rd step or maybe the 11th.
16. Yessirree Bob, I'm just not working my program well enough...just ask someone in AA.
17. It doesn't matter.
18. I know I matter - I just don't feel it.
19. I quit drinking way too soon.
20. This isn't a drinking problem. It's a feeling problem.
21. I am desperate to NOT feel right now. I just need a break to catch my breath.
22. Is that too much to ask ? See, a perfect illustration of the whole "can't meet God's expectations" thing.
23. My family can't know - I am the responsible parent.
24. I am tired.
25. I haven't been a victim as an adult before. I am now.
26. I don't know what to do to stop the descent into nothingness.
27. I'm not sure I want to.
28. Jesus, I really sound depressed.
29. Will I be okay ? Can I be okay ?

Been a long time since I have asked myself that question.

I'm not sure I want to be okay.

Someone explain...

Warning - this is unsettling and can be a triggering event for some folks. The magic words are sexual assault and non-consent. Please take care of yourself if you read it. A good resource is http://www.rainn.org/ or look in your local phone book under crisis centers.

Okay, here goes....

It happened October 13... I still don't understand how.

Someone explain how a professional woman in her 40s becomes the victim of date rape.
Someone explain how a single mother of 2 gets raped by someone on the third date.
Someone explain to how this happens in a small town after, I repeat, AFTER the man was vetted.
Someone explain how there were NO alarm bells.
Someone explain how I use "the" word that describes exactly how he raped me.
Please, someone explain this to me.

Someone explain how he pre-meditated this.
Someone explain how I trusted him...I understand why.
Someone explain why I had a glass of water in his kitchen when it was done.
Someone explain how I was able to talk about inconsequential things 10 minutes later.
Please, someone explain this to me.

Someone explain how he had the audacity to say he wasn't done with me yet.
Someone explain how I was calm, got dressed and pretended that everything was okay.
Someone explain why he accepted my excuse that I was sick and needed to go.
Someone explain why the clues he gave didn't "click" in my head.
Please, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain how I get the sound out of my head...the sound a ketchup bottle makes when you empty it.
Someone explain how I speak the word...the one that says it all.
Someone explain how I didn't realize what was happening until it was all over.
Yeah, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain how to say the word.
Someone explain how a human being can degrade someone else like that.
Someone explain how that can possibly be a turn-on.
Please, I need someone to explain that to me.

Someone explain what I do now.
Someone explain how I move forward.
Someone explain why I feel so fractured.
Someone explain how I tell my family...my children.
Someone explain how I hide it from them.
Someone explain how to decide which one to choose.

Someone explain how I was so stupid for being in that situation.
Someone explain how I quiet that voice.
Someone explain how I allowed this to happen.I didn't.
Someone explain how that is any better. At least if I had let him do it then I would have had some control.
Someone explain that to me.

Someone explain why he did that.
Someone explain how it happened so fast.
Someone explain how I didn't feel it at first.
Someone explain how I give voice to it.
Please, I am begging for someone to explain.

Someone explain how I decide if it really "qualifies" as rape.
Someone explain why I need to do that.
Someone explain how I say the word enema.
There, I said it.

Someone please explain what to do now.
I don't have a clue.