A weird thing happened to me last week or at least I thought it was weird.
Things have been going well, not thinking of life events in "before" and "after" for quite awhile now. I am dating again (and it's pretty good) when I was asked point blank if I had been raped.(I know !!!)
Now, I can tell you I was caught a bit off guard by her question (when I mentioned this to the rape crisis counselor her comment was "well, I guess that was unexpected." It's obvious why I like this woman!!)I was bugged a bit by this - simply said yes and that was it - no freak out or anything and I moved on.
The thoughts about the rape kept slowly seeping into my head again. It wasn't a big jolt which would have been easier I think - at least I would have recognized what the fuck was happening. Nooo, it had to be a slow contamination of my mind.
Fuck, I really hate the whole rape thing.
Anyway, after 3 weeks it occurred to me I needed to call the counselor before this became really intrusive... plus I wanted to figure out what was happening. Did I mention I was surprised by my reaction ? The counselor wasn't - go figure. After talking to her it came down to this...
drum roll please...
I was bothered the most because I shut the conversation down with my date. See, I have been seeing her now for a few months and really like her. Things are going well, sex is amazing plus we have great brain foreplay (we just gotta talk for awhile before the whole nekkid thing).
My rape should not be a taboo topic since it wasn't my fault. I don't want to pick up that cloak of shame again. Thing is I want to control who knows and when - that's what knocked me off balance with the straight forward question. After the session it became apparent to me that I was going to open up the topic with her - give her permission to ask whatever she needed/wanted to ask. I would decide what I would answer (yeah, I was thrilled with that revelation).
Did I mention how much the whole rape thing sucks ?! It does and nooowww I have to suck it up, do a hard thing ONCE again because HE elected to perform a repulsive/degrading act. What an asshole.
I did send her an email that day...didn't see any point in dragging this out. It was incredibly scary and a potential run-forest-run (rfr) moment for us both. She was very cool (my head knew she would be but there was the whole Mr. "are you an idiot-don't you remember what happened when you told -insert friend here-" voice in my head). Turns out I wasn't an idiot.
I finally deleted his number from my phone. I thought maybe I would want to confront him sometime. Yeah.....I'm thinking that wouldn't do anything but anger me. He'll never get it and it isn't my job to convince him of the barbarity of his actions.
Nope, he's never going to see himself as a rapist and I refuse to see myself as a victim.
I'm cleaning up some remnants from the rape or at least that's how it feels....supposedly that's part of the healing process...jeez this rape thing sucks on all levels.
Yep, a productive week for me. I wonder when it will seep back into my head...guess it was a life changing event after all. Ain't that a mother fucking bitch !!
I won't let it be today.