I saw a professional yesterday and realized some things. I've done a lot of work on this, yada yada and am actually in a pretty good place. Somehow I haven't experienced this raging anger which I expected. The stages of grief are pretty basic -
1. denial (did that one pretty well if I do say so myself)
2. anger
3. bargaining (that long-ass search for my Holy Grail)
4. depression (yep, hit that one more than once)
5. acceptance (a moment of grace that allowed me to feel calm after I said the word)
I've been reviewing my approach to these stages and have pretty much hit all except anger. There has been some anger certainly (the whole "fuck him" ending on a few posts) but I did expect this raging phenomenon...this obvious time when I was really, really, really pissed. It hasn't happened.
I was initially a little concerned cuz I sure as hell do NOT want to get blindsided by this thing again. I don't want some triggering event to happen and I'm smacked upside my head with a flood of intense emotions. Definitely don't want that.
The professional and I discussed this a bit and she suggested that the anger may have been simmering all along. I'm thinking the anger was the driving force behind my determination to work through this thing. I refused to let him cripple me.
Anger= determination...who the fuck knows.
What I do know is this has put things into perspective for me. I was anally sodomized with an *****. I still refuse to put it on the front page of my blog.
Stuff that I found embarrassing to talk about before October 13, 2008 , not so much now....go figure.
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5 comments:
You will go through some of these stages over and over. My sexual abuse began when I was 9....and I STILL have anger....and other issues. There are triggers...for me it is the scent of a man as he walks past me...the scent that reminds me of "him" and makes me want to throw up a little bit in my mouth. They clothes someone wears...seeing certain older men. It is just hard. I am so glad you are in therapy - and working through the issues! Best of luck! We are here for you!
huge hugs. way to work thru all this.
2009 will be a grand year for you i am sure. a year of recovery and healing.
we are always here to listen :)
Maybe your refusal to let what happened cripple you has replaced the anger with determination?
IMO, the fact that talking/writing about it doesn't effect you as much as before definitely shows that you are a strong, powerful woman.
I can understand why you're leery of being blindsided. I'm sort of like that myself -- I feel like I can handle almost anything if I'm prepared for it. I don't think you should worry about it, though. I think you've proved that you can handle whatever should come up, one way or another. You can have faith in your strength, for sure.
The other thing is, the counselor may be right in the "anger is there" thing. It might just not show itself strongly until something else triggers it. Like my pet lovebird passing away had me grieving for my last 3 lost relationships. *wry grin* Yes, I was incredibly sad to lose her. But the crying allowed the floodgates to open and express the grief from other things I'd been carrying too.
In any case, I think your progress is fantastic, and you have every reason to enjoy all that life is bringing you now.
Alyx
Hey guys,
My bad for not responding before now. I just let it go after this post...until the latest one. Jeez, rape can be tenacious.
Anyway, I read the comments then and I could feel the support. It was nice to walk away from it-I definitely felt strong and each day feel stronger.
Thank you for helping me achieve that.
dg
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