Why I'm here

*Trigger alert* This blog is about sexual assault and the aftermath. It does contain some graphic content.

It contains the truth.

My truth.

This post will always be on top so scroll down to read the actual posts.

The day passed

It passed...that day I was dreading. Funny, I expected to be a little out of sorts for a few days - never occurred to me it would be for an entire week. The day before "it" was worse on some levels. I was just so tired that entire week...so very tired.

Seems to me that once "it" passed things should have gotten better.Alas, I was incredibly mistaken...not in the ballpark...way the fuck off base on that one.

This is the thing - rape sucked at the time and continues to suck.

I put off writing about last week for a bit. I did see the professional and yes, I still enjoy therapy as much now as I did right after the event. My girlfriend/partner went with me cuz I asked and was having a hard time explaining what was going on. She is sooo much better at the whole "this is what I'm feeling so I'll articulate it" thing than I am...I still love her tho.

I did tell the teenage dudes what happened in general detail. They were both cool, didn't ask questions and I let them know I was okay, the week was a little rough and I was getting the support I needed. Overall, I was proud of them and me for taking that step. Supposedly that is part of "normalizing" the rape whatever the hell that means. I do know I will not allow it to be a taboo topic in my own home so it was time to tell them.

Fuck, giving voice is hard but silence is crippling. I lost enough already.

Seems that I am within normal limits in my experiences. It also seems that I can look forward to many more anniversaries similar to this one. I was overcome with thrill at that little revelation.

Here's what I figured out :

Rape sucks then, now and forever

It still wasn't my fault

This is sooo not fair

I did survive

He's a dickhead

Living with it is the goal

He's still a dickhead

I won

It will never completely go away

That sucks

The time is almost here...

That's the problem...next month is a few weeks away.
You remember that day 11 months ago?
I do.

You remember that day when you...
took my body...my spirit...my soul
Almost.

I remember the helplessness...the fear
the shock...and finally the shame.

I remember what you did...how you did it
and what I did.

I've battled you in my head...and heart
and finally gave voice to it ALL.

I've been at war with a piece of myself since that nightmare began.
You raped me twice...both times count.

I won, you know.

A weird thing happened...

A weird thing happened to me last week or at least I thought it was weird.

Things have been going well, not thinking of life events in "before" and "after" for quite awhile now. I am dating again (and it's pretty good) when I was asked point blank if I had been raped.(I know !!!)

Now, I can tell you I was caught a bit off guard by her question (when I mentioned this to the rape crisis counselor her comment was "well, I guess that was unexpected." It's obvious why I like this woman!!)I was bugged a bit by this - simply said yes and that was it - no freak out or anything and I moved on.

The thoughts about the rape kept slowly seeping into my head again. It wasn't a big jolt which would have been easier I think - at least I would have recognized what the fuck was happening. Nooo, it had to be a slow contamination of my mind.

Fuck, I really hate the whole rape thing.

Anyway, after 3 weeks it occurred to me I needed to call the counselor before this became really intrusive... plus I wanted to figure out what was happening. Did I mention I was surprised by my reaction ? The counselor wasn't - go figure. After talking to her it came down to this...

drum roll please...

I was bothered the most because I shut the conversation down with my date. See, I have been seeing her now for a few months and really like her. Things are going well, sex is amazing plus we have great brain foreplay (we just gotta talk for awhile before the whole nekkid thing).

My rape should not be a taboo topic since it wasn't my fault. I don't want to pick up that cloak of shame again. Thing is I want to control who knows and when - that's what knocked me off balance with the straight forward question. After the session it became apparent to me that I was going to open up the topic with her - give her permission to ask whatever she needed/wanted to ask. I would decide what I would answer (yeah, I was thrilled with that revelation).

Did I mention how much the whole rape thing sucks ?! It does and nooowww I have to suck it up, do a hard thing ONCE again because HE elected to perform a repulsive/degrading act. What an asshole.

I did send her an email that day...didn't see any point in dragging this out. It was incredibly scary and a potential run-forest-run (rfr) moment for us both. She was very cool (my head knew she would be but there was the whole Mr. "are you an idiot-don't you remember what happened when you told -insert friend here-" voice in my head). Turns out I wasn't an idiot.

I finally deleted his number from my phone. I thought maybe I would want to confront him sometime. Yeah.....I'm thinking that wouldn't do anything but anger me. He'll never get it and it isn't my job to convince him of the barbarity of his actions.

Nope, he's never going to see himself as a rapist and I refuse to see myself as a victim.

I'm cleaning up some remnants from the rape or at least that's how it feels....supposedly that's part of the healing process...jeez this rape thing sucks on all levels.

Yep, a productive week for me. I wonder when it will seep back into my head...guess it was a life changing event after all. Ain't that a mother fucking bitch !!

I won't let it be today.

The strangest thing...

I saw a professional yesterday and realized some things. I've done a lot of work on this, yada yada and am actually in a pretty good place. Somehow I haven't experienced this raging anger which I expected. The stages of grief are pretty basic -

1. denial (did that one pretty well if I do say so myself)
2. anger
3. bargaining (that long-ass search for my Holy Grail)
4. depression (yep, hit that one more than once)
5. acceptance (a moment of grace that allowed me to feel calm after I said the word)

I've been reviewing my approach to these stages and have pretty much hit all except anger. There has been some anger certainly (the whole "fuck him" ending on a few posts) but I did expect this raging phenomenon...this obvious time when I was really, really, really pissed. It hasn't happened.

I was initially a little concerned cuz I sure as hell do NOT want to get blindsided by this thing again. I don't want some triggering event to happen and I'm smacked upside my head with a flood of intense emotions. Definitely don't want that.

The professional and I discussed this a bit and she suggested that the anger may have been simmering all along. I'm thinking the anger was the driving force behind my determination to work through this thing. I refused to let him cripple me.

Anger= determination...who the fuck knows.

What I do know is this has put things into perspective for me. I was anally sodomized with an *****. I still refuse to put it on the front page of my blog.

Stuff that I found embarrassing to talk about before October 13, 2008 , not so much now....go figure.

Finally...

I have been putting off writing this piece for a week. I'm not sure why since it is such a mile stone but I needed to let it settle a little. Again, a wonder of the therapeutic process...I fucking hate it.

It's worth it... I still hate it.

I refuse to have it on the front page of my blog. It is ugly and blunt.
The choice is yours to read it.... I had to say it.
I'd prefer to be in your shoes.

Anyway, here's the link. Please beware of potential triggering and take care if that is an issue.

I didn't tell

Once again I had the opportunity to converse with professionals about the incident. I really wish this process wasn't so painful and I could just hurry up and heal already!! My shrink just smiles, shakes her head and off we go down the road to recovery.

I remain overwhelmed with "thrill" during this process (says Miss Sincerity). Anyway, my rapist contacted my via IM and I just wanted to say a few things about that.

Don't worry. I didn't tell.

I didn't tell how you abused me....or worse.
I didn't tell how you lied ...were ready for me.
I never mentioned what really happened to anyone.

You're counting on that...the shame that blankets me.
The humiliation that shields me from the light
The loss of power that silenced my voice.

You're right.

What you don't know is the details are leeching out...slowly.
I can't stop it now...I WON'T stop it.

I will tell how you cultured my trust...and betrayed it.
I will tell that you were ready and skilled at hiding
The degrading fantasy...I participated in
Without consent.

I did not consent to being sodomized with____
And there's the rub.

I still can't say it.
But I am getting closer.

I will tell on you...and me.
You're safe for now, Sam.

Oh yeah, by the way...

My friend, just some stuff I forgot to mention when we talked but wanted you to know:

1. I'm sorry this happened too and I know it wasn't my fault - still feels that way though.
2. That voice is getting softer each day.
3. I really am working on it as fast as I can.
4. Why didn't I just think of letting go since I am having such a good time now ? (That one may be a bit harsh. ..yeah well rape ain't for the faint of heart).
5. I don't always know what I need or how to ask.
6. Kids still don't know so please be careful around them.
7. I am wounded but not fragile.
8. I am still ME.
9. I do talk about other things and am interested in you (well, as much as I always was and yes, I see the smirking)
10. I'll let you know if I need an alibi.
11. It is getting better.

I wanted to say the last one again - it is getting better. I realized that all these posts are pretty angsty which is completely appropriate and fucking understandable. I only write when I'm trying to sort out the intense stuff. Funny, I don't find intense happy stuff as confusing.

I'm hacking away as I make my way through this jungle. The words seem to be the debris from that journey. The path is getting clearer and clearer everyday.

Thanks everyone for backing me up.

One last thing - fuck him.

The word

Okay, once again I came away from the professional with some new insight. Yeah, I'm thrilled as well.

The deal is I am going to have to say "the" word that explicitly states what he raped me with if I want to continue moving forward. This is according to me, not her. Yep, I'm overwhelmed with "thrill".

I hate therapy. Here goes...


The word that paints a clear picture that can't be denied..
or the horror.

Yeah, just one word.

You know the word...and what you did
to me.

You know the word that states how you violated me.
Just one word.

The word I can't give voice to.

The word that causes shame to flood my soul
and fill my heart.

The word that surrounds me with darkness that was caused...
by you.

Just one word.

One word uglier than rape or sexual assault...
or sodomy.

Just one word.

You stole my voice that night
I want it back.

I have it back except
for one word.

One powerful word.

One day I'll say it...
and tell what you did

Just not today.
Soon, very soon.

A name for "it"

What do I call "it" ?

Georgia says "aggravated sexual assault" while South Carolina and Kansas say "aggravated sodomy." I don't like any of those names.

The counselor calls it rape.
I don't like that name either.

It was a "get together" or "hanging out" or "kinda a date" - at least that's what I called it...before.

It was planned and anticipated...mmmm, I called it that as well.
Premeditated.

What did you call it ?
An opportunity ? Yes, that is what it was for you...an opportunity.

An opportunity to actually capture that fantasy...the one where you
Are powerful and completely in control.....

The fantasy where you humiliate, violate and debase another person...
Me.

I'm sure you don't call it sexual assault or aggravated sodomy....or rape.
It was.

You have better choices for names than I do.
Your choices sound better....happier...gentler...nicer than mine.

So, what do I call "it"...the incident...the event...the episode ?
I can also choose from terror...loss...nightmare.

I do know what to call you.
My rapist.

That's enough for now.

edited 11/18/08. Someone else suggested these additional words to call "it" - invasion, intrusion, desecration, dishonor, disrespect, trespassing, blasphemy. I thank her for giving me more choices.

One month

Today is one month

One month since my life was changed forever
One month since you betrayed my trust

One month since I was violated
by you

One month since my world shattered...almost
One month since I started lying to my family, my friends...
myself

One month is such a short time to start picking up the pieces
One month of going through the motions of putting my life back together

One month of curling up in the darkness...and finding my way to the light...
again and again and again

One month of explaining to my friends that I don't know how I feel
or how they can help

One month of not sleeping, not eating and not caring...almost

One month of writing, crying, cringing, raging, hiding....
laughing

One month of identifying what you took that night
and beginning to reclaim what was lost

One month of trying to be a mother, friend, daughter and...
rape victim

One month of struggling to be all those things and not knowing how
One month of living with confusion, fear and pain

One month since you raped me
Only one month

I'm better now

"The" usual questions...oh goody.

I saw the rape crisis counselor today and realized some things:

1. I am going to have to actually tell what happened to continue moving forward. I don't know of any other way to take away the power of what he did.
2. Everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault, yada yada.
3. Okay, if that's true than why haven't I told someone close to me what happened ?
4. What is it I am really afraid of when I tell someone that I care about ?
5. Fuck, maybe they will think part of it was my fault.
6. That is so not going to happen - I have amazing friends and family.
7. Still feels like a big risk.
8. Maybe I was complicit on some level.
9. How will I know ?
10. I wasn't.
11. He is such an asshole.
12. This is what I'm going to do - I'm going to post what he did using some freakin' date from way back when. I can't have it be on page 1 of my blog. You can choose to follow the link or not. Here ya' go - added 12/16/08 - 64 days after..
13. Cool, that way the I am not exposing someone to this contaminant unintentionally.
14. Yeah, not sure when that link is going up....
15. That is in my power to decide. What he did wasn't.
16. Today is Day 28.
17. Today is better than yesterday.
18. Fuck him.

Life goes on...

Here's the deal - life has to go on. I know that and am working hard at continuing to move forward. I've had a great weekend - very busy. Mmmm, wonder if the whole "busy" thing was a wonderful distraction which made for a great weekend. Nice to see those boring psych classes I took in college actually paying off.

Really, it is nice that I kept "it" in the background for awhile and didn't let it contaminate everything. Seems like the sounds/images seep into my head as the night goes on.

That sucks.

Luckily I have chocolate and diet coke. Oh yeah, 1000 channels with nothing on also helps - at least I have a variety of shit to bore me. Wow - forgot about TiVo.

Still sucks but not as much...silver-fucking-lining moment.

I was still raped 27 days ago.

He is such an asshole - maybe I'll tell him one day.

Just not today.

Going through the motions

It is just so freakin' icky to think of the word. I still want to find a loophole, ya' know ?

Every time I think about what happens a shiver goes down my spine.

I've managed to go to work, do the Mom things, etc this week as it isn't invading my brain all the time now. I feel like a Stepford person at times - lol.

Going through the motions is better than curling up in the dark.

I want to reclaim ALL my life - he took enough.

I woke up tired today - that weary tired that permeates your bones and soul.

I feel a little foggy - the damn images keep getting up in my face instead of staying in my periphery. That is our agreement - I won't ignore them and they stay there when I need to function. One of us is breaking the rule.

The tears are barely under the surface. I must keep them contained when I'm out in the real world. (Note to self - pick up some M & Ms plus Bonnie Raitt for a cryfest later).

I really hate the process of healing. Only choice I have.

That sucks.

I feel so stupid

I feel so stupid for being in the situation where the "incident" happened. It was date rape although not exactly a "date" date. Only 2 people know exactly (as honest as I could be) how this happened and the circumstances.

I remember the words he used and my brain wouldn't connect what he was alluding to with an actual act. The state I live in calls this aggravated sexual assault.

Where do I say the gory details ? Who do I ask to be my witness ?

I am so afraid I will be judged and am extremely embarrassed about the whole thing. I'm going to have to give voice (mine) to what happened - I can feel it coming to the surface.

I am terrified of that voice.

I just feel so stupid.

I HATE IT AND WHAT HE DID !!!

I am angry with myself for allowing him to rob me of my voice. Jeez, I am sooo ready to be done with this process.

What he did was degrading and obscene.

I just feel bad when I think about it. At least I am functioning in the world and look together.

Today is better than last week. It isn't better than yesterday....go figure.

A family member knows...

Today is Day 22. I told my brother last night about the "incident" in very general terms. I felt like I was lying by omission everytime I told him I was "fine" when he called. He's the only family member that I can tell right now.

He was supportive and very respectful of my boundaries. He also didn't get into the "protective" mode right away and try to solve this problem. There just isn't any solution right now except to continue "feeling" it. That really sucks, btw.

Yeah, today is Day 22. I felt better on Day 19....go figure.

Day 21

Guess the title says it all. It is odd that I feel worse today than I did on Friday. I don't understand how that happens. Supposedly it is part of the "Acute Trauma" phase. I don't want to be part of "Acute Trauma" anymore.

The loophole - I am still searching for that Holy Grail. I saw the counselor today and she said that I was "sodomized anally with an object without my consent." I remember being amazed at her ability to say those words in such a calm manner.

I am in my fog again. People are outside my office and I don't want to be part of it. I don't want to be part of my "Acute Trauma" response. I don't want to be a victim of

RAPE

There, I said it and don't feel any different.

Should I ?

Someone explain Part 2

Here's part 2. Today was a better day.

Someone explain how I keep moving forward.
Someone explain why.
Someone explain why I can't quiet that voice...ya' know the one that says give up, it's too hard to go through the process.
Please, someone explain that to me.

Someone explain why I am always surprised when it hits me.
Someone explain when it won't rob my of my breath.
Someone explain why...just why.
Someone please explain that to me.

Someone explain why I want to crawl into a hole and sleep.
Someone explain how to stay out of the darkness.
Someone explain why I should.
Someone explain why today is harder than yesterday. It's day 18.
Yeah, someone explain why I'm even counting the days.
Someone explain why it matters.
It doesn't.

Day 12

Okay - I"m still not sure what is happening. I am going to use the ol' number approach since that helps me sort things.

1. I told my friend Michelle about it. I actually used the "word" that accurately described EXACTLY what he did. Funny, rape wasn't as hard to say. Her response was "knowing you like I do, I know that was not on the menu." For some reason I found that hysterical.
2. She was right. It wasn't on the menu.
3. He pre-meditated this - completely.
4. I went to the meeting and then to work a few hours today.
5. I was driving home and suddenly couldn't breathe.
6. I am not having fun.
7. I am tired...just tired.
8. I feel better physically which is the sfl (silver-fucking-lining) moment.
9. I still don't care.
10. I definitely want to drink - a lot. Yeah well....
11. I alternate between feeling dead inside and lost. Toss up which is preferable
12. I still look in control on the outside
13. It feels like I am lying to people. My Mother called and I pretended all was well.
14. I don't want to deal with my family's reaction
15. I hate lying - this isn't even close to the gray area.
16. I don't know if I will ever be able to say the real word.
17. I have never experienced degradation like that in my life.
18. People say it will get better - I'm not sure if I want to wait.
19. God sucks.
20. I'm avoiding my brother - I can't lie to him. We have always been honest with each other
21. I'm a fraud.
22. How do I say the word to someone I am actually looking at ?
23. Better question is how to say the word to someone that is looking at me. That's the real problem.
24. I can't see myself doing that - no scenario lets me do that.
25. I'll end up dead if I don't.
26. So what....
27. This is terrifying.
28. Yeah, I'm thinking the despair is present a bit.
29. I can't do this but I am.
30. I'm in a conundrum !!
31. What do I do now ?

Day 9

So, it was rape according to the counselor today. Seems to me that if counselors at 2 crisis center said it was sexual assault then it was although South Carolina called it sexual assault and Georgia called it rape. Yeah, that loophole isn't working for me either.

I want to drink or rather just have a moment of peace from this. I don't see any way to achieve that right now. I don't think I can meet God's expectations right now - can't see how I will deal with this. Been a long time since I felt like this.

Guess God thought I needed a new experience :) It really isn't funny but then again, inappropriate humor never hurt anyone.

People keep asking me how they can help. How can they ? I don't know. It seems like things are moving in slow motion right now...very odd. I don't feel crazy, just like I am moving/thinking in very slow motion. I wonder if I will completely slow down and just shut down. That would be nice.

It would be exceedingly dangerous but nice. I'm not going to start up again if I get to that shut down place - peace is there.

How attractive is that I ask you ?!!

This I do know :

1. I was a raped ergo I am a rape victim.
2. When does that change to rape survivor ?
3. It wasn't my fault. Doesn't change anything.
4. CONSENT is the magic ingredient that determines which category this falls into.
5. I have no idea what to do now.
6. The place I am in is very quiet and I can't see/hear anyone else.
7. My head keeps moving and replaying it since there is no distraction.
8. I'm not very good company for me right now.
9. I am tired.
10. I still can't eat. Rape is an effective diet tool (come on - I am smiling a bit at that).
11. Nothing seems real to me.
12. This is the truth.
13. Now you know
14. I really don't care right now. Thinking things through like a drink/drug/etc is useless. I JUST DON'T CARE.
15. Apparently that is not the right answer - guess I need to work on the 3rd step or maybe the 11th.
16. Yessirree Bob, I'm just not working my program well enough...just ask someone in AA.
17. It doesn't matter.
18. I know I matter - I just don't feel it.
19. I quit drinking way too soon.
20. This isn't a drinking problem. It's a feeling problem.
21. I am desperate to NOT feel right now. I just need a break to catch my breath.
22. Is that too much to ask ? See, a perfect illustration of the whole "can't meet God's expectations" thing.
23. My family can't know - I am the responsible parent.
24. I am tired.
25. I haven't been a victim as an adult before. I am now.
26. I don't know what to do to stop the descent into nothingness.
27. I'm not sure I want to.
28. Jesus, I really sound depressed.
29. Will I be okay ? Can I be okay ?

Been a long time since I have asked myself that question.

I'm not sure I want to be okay.