Why I'm here

*Trigger alert* This blog is about sexual assault and the aftermath. It does contain some graphic content.

It contains the truth.

My truth.

This post will always be on top so scroll down to read the actual posts.

The day passed

It passed...that day I was dreading. Funny, I expected to be a little out of sorts for a few days - never occurred to me it would be for an entire week. The day before "it" was worse on some levels. I was just so tired that entire week...so very tired.

Seems to me that once "it" passed things should have gotten better.Alas, I was incredibly mistaken...not in the ballpark...way the fuck off base on that one.

This is the thing - rape sucked at the time and continues to suck.

I put off writing about last week for a bit. I did see the professional and yes, I still enjoy therapy as much now as I did right after the event. My girlfriend/partner went with me cuz I asked and was having a hard time explaining what was going on. She is sooo much better at the whole "this is what I'm feeling so I'll articulate it" thing than I am...I still love her tho.

I did tell the teenage dudes what happened in general detail. They were both cool, didn't ask questions and I let them know I was okay, the week was a little rough and I was getting the support I needed. Overall, I was proud of them and me for taking that step. Supposedly that is part of "normalizing" the rape whatever the hell that means. I do know I will not allow it to be a taboo topic in my own home so it was time to tell them.

Fuck, giving voice is hard but silence is crippling. I lost enough already.

Seems that I am within normal limits in my experiences. It also seems that I can look forward to many more anniversaries similar to this one. I was overcome with thrill at that little revelation.

Here's what I figured out :

Rape sucks then, now and forever

It still wasn't my fault

This is sooo not fair

I did survive

He's a dickhead

Living with it is the goal

He's still a dickhead

I won

It will never completely go away

That sucks

The time is almost here...

That's the problem...next month is a few weeks away.
You remember that day 11 months ago?
I do.

You remember that day when you...
took my body...my spirit...my soul
Almost.

I remember the helplessness...the fear
the shock...and finally the shame.

I remember what you did...how you did it
and what I did.

I've battled you in my head...and heart
and finally gave voice to it ALL.

I've been at war with a piece of myself since that nightmare began.
You raped me twice...both times count.

I won, you know.

A weird thing happened...

A weird thing happened to me last week or at least I thought it was weird.

Things have been going well, not thinking of life events in "before" and "after" for quite awhile now. I am dating again (and it's pretty good) when I was asked point blank if I had been raped.(I know !!!)

Now, I can tell you I was caught a bit off guard by her question (when I mentioned this to the rape crisis counselor her comment was "well, I guess that was unexpected." It's obvious why I like this woman!!)I was bugged a bit by this - simply said yes and that was it - no freak out or anything and I moved on.

The thoughts about the rape kept slowly seeping into my head again. It wasn't a big jolt which would have been easier I think - at least I would have recognized what the fuck was happening. Nooo, it had to be a slow contamination of my mind.

Fuck, I really hate the whole rape thing.

Anyway, after 3 weeks it occurred to me I needed to call the counselor before this became really intrusive... plus I wanted to figure out what was happening. Did I mention I was surprised by my reaction ? The counselor wasn't - go figure. After talking to her it came down to this...

drum roll please...

I was bothered the most because I shut the conversation down with my date. See, I have been seeing her now for a few months and really like her. Things are going well, sex is amazing plus we have great brain foreplay (we just gotta talk for awhile before the whole nekkid thing).

My rape should not be a taboo topic since it wasn't my fault. I don't want to pick up that cloak of shame again. Thing is I want to control who knows and when - that's what knocked me off balance with the straight forward question. After the session it became apparent to me that I was going to open up the topic with her - give her permission to ask whatever she needed/wanted to ask. I would decide what I would answer (yeah, I was thrilled with that revelation).

Did I mention how much the whole rape thing sucks ?! It does and nooowww I have to suck it up, do a hard thing ONCE again because HE elected to perform a repulsive/degrading act. What an asshole.

I did send her an email that day...didn't see any point in dragging this out. It was incredibly scary and a potential run-forest-run (rfr) moment for us both. She was very cool (my head knew she would be but there was the whole Mr. "are you an idiot-don't you remember what happened when you told -insert friend here-" voice in my head). Turns out I wasn't an idiot.

I finally deleted his number from my phone. I thought maybe I would want to confront him sometime. Yeah.....I'm thinking that wouldn't do anything but anger me. He'll never get it and it isn't my job to convince him of the barbarity of his actions.

Nope, he's never going to see himself as a rapist and I refuse to see myself as a victim.

I'm cleaning up some remnants from the rape or at least that's how it feels....supposedly that's part of the healing process...jeez this rape thing sucks on all levels.

Yep, a productive week for me. I wonder when it will seep back into my head...guess it was a life changing event after all. Ain't that a mother fucking bitch !!

I won't let it be today.

The strangest thing...

I saw a professional yesterday and realized some things. I've done a lot of work on this, yada yada and am actually in a pretty good place. Somehow I haven't experienced this raging anger which I expected. The stages of grief are pretty basic -

1. denial (did that one pretty well if I do say so myself)
2. anger
3. bargaining (that long-ass search for my Holy Grail)
4. depression (yep, hit that one more than once)
5. acceptance (a moment of grace that allowed me to feel calm after I said the word)

I've been reviewing my approach to these stages and have pretty much hit all except anger. There has been some anger certainly (the whole "fuck him" ending on a few posts) but I did expect this raging phenomenon...this obvious time when I was really, really, really pissed. It hasn't happened.

I was initially a little concerned cuz I sure as hell do NOT want to get blindsided by this thing again. I don't want some triggering event to happen and I'm smacked upside my head with a flood of intense emotions. Definitely don't want that.

The professional and I discussed this a bit and she suggested that the anger may have been simmering all along. I'm thinking the anger was the driving force behind my determination to work through this thing. I refused to let him cripple me.

Anger= determination...who the fuck knows.

What I do know is this has put things into perspective for me. I was anally sodomized with an *****. I still refuse to put it on the front page of my blog.

Stuff that I found embarrassing to talk about before October 13, 2008 , not so much now....go figure.

Finally...

I have been putting off writing this piece for a week. I'm not sure why since it is such a mile stone but I needed to let it settle a little. Again, a wonder of the therapeutic process...I fucking hate it.

It's worth it... I still hate it.

I refuse to have it on the front page of my blog. It is ugly and blunt.
The choice is yours to read it.... I had to say it.
I'd prefer to be in your shoes.

Anyway, here's the link. Please beware of potential triggering and take care if that is an issue.

I didn't tell

Once again I had the opportunity to converse with professionals about the incident. I really wish this process wasn't so painful and I could just hurry up and heal already!! My shrink just smiles, shakes her head and off we go down the road to recovery.

I remain overwhelmed with "thrill" during this process (says Miss Sincerity). Anyway, my rapist contacted my via IM and I just wanted to say a few things about that.

Don't worry. I didn't tell.

I didn't tell how you abused me....or worse.
I didn't tell how you lied ...were ready for me.
I never mentioned what really happened to anyone.

You're counting on that...the shame that blankets me.
The humiliation that shields me from the light
The loss of power that silenced my voice.

You're right.

What you don't know is the details are leeching out...slowly.
I can't stop it now...I WON'T stop it.

I will tell how you cultured my trust...and betrayed it.
I will tell that you were ready and skilled at hiding
The degrading fantasy...I participated in
Without consent.

I did not consent to being sodomized with____
And there's the rub.

I still can't say it.
But I am getting closer.

I will tell on you...and me.
You're safe for now, Sam.